i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
