i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
