i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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