Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
