You smell like a Billy Joel song
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
