thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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