FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Boobs speak an international language.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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