Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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