They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
