she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I checked into jail on foursquare
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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