he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
