Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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