When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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