Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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