Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
