wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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