im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
