Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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