we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
