Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
