even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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