Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
