I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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