i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
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Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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