if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
