I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm at about main and main street
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
