There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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