How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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