this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
