happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
