I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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