sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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