i don't like sucking hair
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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