I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
