bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
