I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
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I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
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I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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