I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I believe in your delicious
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
