I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
