I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
