weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
