As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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