fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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