Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Boobs speak an international language.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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