Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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