meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
