I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
