just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
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If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
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I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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