I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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