I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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