i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
