captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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