I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
