Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
