Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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