i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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