this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
