my phone needs a breathalizer
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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