What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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