Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
