Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
